This is Vince Fox from MBC, embarking on a new project which I hope to God is not my last.

 
Oh my God, I am so going to hell. I've been all preoccupied with work and... Buffy, and so I totally forgot that this was MY weekend, and if he wasn't old enough to know how to operate the door of the Amana refrigerator (good machine), he could have died!!! It's a good thing I'm a dumbass who frequently leaves the door unlocked, or he might have been out wandering the streets and getting hit by speeding cars! I wouldn't put it past him; anyone that has my DNA can't be a genius.

Okay, so what happened was, Linda apparently dropped Ruty off at my apartment on Friday evening while I was working late, and he's been like, hiding in his room ever since then, obviously traumatized and thinking that I was purposely neglecting him! I mean, I've been getting home from work really late this past week, and I just kinda took a shower and went right to bed, and I never even thought about it! And then this morning, I went into his room to steal one of his pillows, because mine had this nasty little blood stain on it because I'd cut my head on a coffee table yesterday (shut up), and he was like..... THERE, USING THE PILLOW. And I was like, oh, God, when did you get here?!

I can't believe I did that! And of course, I totally forgot it was Easter too, so there was no hiding eggs in the oven, and I'd promised Linda I'd take him to the Easter service and I... didn't, and even though this is her fault too, because she never called to see how he was doing or anything, she's going to kill me, because Ruty doesn't like me enough to lie to cover for me, which is perfectly understandable under the circumstances. He said I could make it up to him by getting him that Metroid Prime game, so I guess I should go to Toys R Us and get that for him now so that he doesn't hate me too much. I should not be allowed to have custody of this kid. EVER.


posted by Vince Fox at 4:31:11 PM

 
Okay, we've got that taken care of. Why'd I get assigned to this project anyway? Those kids totally hate me. I hate you for making me do this, Stewart. I hate you, unless you're reading this, in which case, I love you in that brotherly non-sexual kind of way that you don't mind. Don't hurt me.

Right. So anyway, I finally met them all, and dammit, I worked hard practicing what I'd say so I'd make a good impression, and I think I did a good job too, remembering to acknowledge all the companies that were sponsoring us by providing their fine appliances, but they just kept staring at me blankly like I was some kind of idiot. I hate that! They were totally ignoring me! Wouldn't even tell me where the goddamn garbage can was. These people are obviously never going to listen to my important suggestions for getting better ratings when they won't even let me explain why our towels are better than Martha Stewart's (What a bitch. Try focusing on the cherry tomatoes of sin in the proverbial salad of prison!). Except for maybe the two happy hugging boys. I don't know. When the hell did I get so old anyway?

God, I need one of those meatball subs. I probably have one of those $1.00 off coupons for Subway on a candy bar wrapper in one of these drawers.


posted by Vince Fox at 8:41:30 AM

 
Did I mention how much I hate April Fools Day? So, I was at my desk..... not sleeping, when the phone rang and... didn't wake me up. So it was the CEO (good thing I wasn't asleep! ha...) and he told me to go pick up some tapes. So I went out to my Impala, and...

Some jackass kid had stolen my hubcaps!

Now, this would have been a problem for most people, but luckily, since I always carry an extra set of hubcaps in my trunk (Thanks, Pop), it didn't delay me too much. Those suckers obviously didn't know whose hubcaps they were taking!

Anyway, after an adventure involving cobwebs and stuffy rooms, I completed my mission and thus ensured my job for another day.

...Hey, am I supposed to watch these things?



posted by Vince Fox at 8:46:21 PM

 
Oh, Jesus, I hate this holiday. I just want you all to know that I'm NOT joking when I say I'm going to work hard to make this show a success!


posted by Vince Fox at 8:10:12 PM

 
God, I hope this goes over well. I mean, I know, the ratings have been way low recently, because apparently the viewing public has fallen crazy in love with all these [false] reality shows that the other networks have going on, where people live on desert islands together and get attacked by savage apes and end up eating each other and such. (Well, they don't actually do that, but they should. That would sure grab an audience.) Anyway, for some reason, everyone's watching THAT stuff instead, and thinking, "Gee, MBC's sitcoms sure do suck ass!"

Which they SO do not.

So, because our viewers clearly have no respect for well-scripted entertainment, we're jumping onto the proverbial bandwagon now, and they've got me doing our new reality show, called "Bent," which features five young homosexual men living together in one house, which I'm not sure is a great idea, but the surveys show that women love that kind of thing, and let me tell you, they'd BETTER love it. My job is riding on this, dammit!


posted by Vince Fox at 7:36:45 PM